Heroic


A day that seemed almost a complete waste turned into something that showed me a little more about myself. 

It has been blazing hot here in Florida the last few weeks. And with the heat comes this endless exhaustion. Like you have 100 tons sitting on your chest stopping you from breathing. The air is so thick you can literally feel yourself moving through it. 
And sitting in a tax office to collect a driver permit for 3 hours is not at all what you want to be doing in these conditions. 
The robot ladies repetitive voice is going to haunt me in my sleep. “Now serving 3.6.7 at tax station 4” “now serving 1.6.0 at tax station 9”. It leaves you lifeless and brain dead in a hall of 100 people, watching them muffle and muddle around, fanning themselves, soothing their children, picking at their irriatated bodies. The occasional chatting co sitters talking about their grandkids or their jobs. 
I have been meaning to get to this zombie hall for a while to collect my permit, but being new I had no idea what the procedures in this country would be. So… like the mob… I followed not knowing after 3 hours of waiting I would spend 10 minutes finding out I would actually need to make an appointment to collect my permit. 
In the 30 websites I looked at for this one permit not one stated the exact requirements needed for this situation. 
3 hours wasted. I hate that. 
Walking to my car to get on with the day I felt completly useless.. until the one moment. I heard a little yell come from the van next to me. 
I  looked in, and up jumped this tiny bouncing dog. A mix I think… beagal and jack russle. It was adorable…. and dying in a burning van. 
I quickly remember reading that it was against the law to leave any living thing in a vehical parked… especially in this heat. 
I decided going to the sherrifs office across the road would be my best bed to get this poor puppy out, so I went… called the number on the window and in minutes a sherrifs car was patrolling around my area looking for me… to get the dog out. 
The man talked through his walkie talkie and said he was going until the van, in a slick movement opening the car door. 
The puppy was sure happy to get out… fumbling out of the van like it was slightly drunk. 
It took about another 40 mins for the sherrif to find the owners of the car… in which I felt completly awkward standing there, looking over their dog knowing they knew I was the one who reported them. 
I have never in my life done anything of this sort… but after a few words exchanged, the sherrif let the ladies off with a warning… and thanked me for my service…. me! 
I’m not sure anyone would think of my doing as a “big deal” but for me, I made the most of today with one thought… the thought to do something about it. 

It taught me a little more about myself… that I’m a doer. I like to take action, make a difference… but I often think I can’t do it or I’m not good enough. 

Today I did something… when the world around me has been slightly deteriorating 

Or rather I feel it will about to with the amount of test results coming out soon and deadlines to meet… the stress I am too familiar with that interlocks my life is encroaching on me… I’m a little frightened. 

 But fear is just a concept…. I heard it in my voice when I was on the phone with a sherif but I did something about it… I didn’t let it get to me… I let the bigger picture speak… and it turned out to be a pretty awesome day. 

Not everything goes as we plan, and we don’t all have perfect lives… I know that…. but we can treasure the good things we have in our lives…. our values and motives. 
We can make ourselves aware of the more important things in life… no matter how small…. or fluffy they may be. 

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Cloud Nine 


It’s become a little love fest in the world around me. Seems like the air is thinner and fluffier and I actually enjoy smiling. I know it’s temporary. I know the rolling dark clouds of stress and deadlines will crowd my little parade and make it rain all day. As long as I remember that it will end eventually and I can go back to seeing a picture of myself and genuinely remember being happy. 
He… makes me so happy. I hate cliche love drama, with unnecessary publicity for it… I’m over my days of teenage love affairs… but I love being with this …one. 
This nerdy and fact frenzy boy that makes my heart race. Makes me do things and say things I never thought I would want to say so badly. It’s rolling off my tongue and I’m scared I won’t be able to help it. He can’t control himself but …. I can’t control my mouth.
I feel I have my moments of advanatage but he has be on cloud nine right now. 
I didn’t think his controlling demeanor would reel me in so fast but maybe it’s because I have been desperate for this attention since I moved. For someone to say the words “I understand” even if they don’t. 
For someone to want to spend time with me. 
I know this is only the flirting part of any good relationship. But it’s addictive… being around him.
I used to think that a good relationship was made up of spontaneous perfect moments… but the moments with him are perfect because they are true… and that’s what Iv been craving. 
He looks at me when he thinks I’m not looking… and he smiles. These are the moments that make the hairs on my arms stand up because… I feel whole around him. 
I love him…. I know that. And Iv never been more sure about how much I like someone until him. But he is so bad for me right now. Our stories and lives so incomparable I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle that throughout the year. 
Was it my fault for being so sure I didn’t want to get into anything with him… or was it the fact I said I wanted to wait. 
He challenges me….my comfort zones. He brings me out of them and I guess that’s why I’m getting so much more comfortable around him. It’s also cause I haven’t seen him in ages and he has to understand that girls get needy too sometimes… have their wants. 
I guess the best thing for me to do… thinking strategically is go with the flow. It will hurt if it has to come down to something I don’t wanna think about, but that’s if time tells us it must come down to that. I want him all to myself rn… at least for this time, but he is so busy that I’m the one looking hella desperate. I can’t focus without my dose of him(lol). 
Go with my priorities and see where currency takes me…
The time and universe will guide me and my passions. 
Ugh he is so wonderful ❤ 

Him and Me and Us

Its killing me…. legitimately. I get up and have a mere thought of wanting to be with him and it ruins the rest of my day. Im bogged down and have no square inch of energy in me to do anything but distract my mind with beautiful pictures of him…. and me…. and us. Why am I mad? Why is anger taking over the way I feel about him. I know its not his fault that he is busy right now, and I know he planned this trip and activities…and lifestyle way before he had met me. Who am I to want him to my myself? Who am I to tell him that I want him to just come back for me? Im selfish…. and greedy with him, and I look back at our words to each other and think, maybe he wanted me more then. Why does distance and space always make me want a person more. Why cant I feel like that when they actually around me. And then when they are not…. why cant I take the life I have without them and fill it to the rim with things I want to do. I could have finished so many fufillments… and im proud I have been able to get out of some of my funk some days. But then others, its like my mind is fully dedicated to wasting my feelings and energy on thinking about this boy…. him…me ….us.

Maybe I want him because he plays so fricken hard to get. He makes himself look like he has everything in control, and he has the best possible life, but i know behind closed doors he enjoys talking about his achievements with me. Its a skill…. to make a guy feel like a million dollars, and if he just understood how much I liked him, and dreaded the moment that became awkward or unwanted between us then he would see that I actually hate when he thinks so much about himself, and I hate that he doesn’t tell me how much he likes talking about me…us.

Is it a crime that I want him to make me feel as important as I make him. Asking him oblivious questions, receiving answers I already know. Why am i putting in all this effort, when we can have 5 mins to hear each others voices and he till chooses to scroll through his feeds at this time instead of being humbly interested in me. Ok, im not on an exotic trip, and I actually have more time then he does, but that doesn’t make my life unimportant or un-talk-worthy. Why can’t he just ask…..and not just the basic “how was ur day” question.

Is it because im so used to having someone who wanted to be intimate with me… and had more time then I did. Is it because he doesn’t know how to have a commited relationship? He says im important… and he enjoy’s being with me but maybe he only knows how to act in the “fling” type relationship.

Say we do go out. Say we are with each other….. what changes? what privileges do I get? What’s new from what is happening now. It makes me sad because I always wanna tell him so much…. but then again….im only known him for a couple months, and we have only been going out for like 3 weeks which….calculated…. means…he doesn’t really know me….which…sums together to

 

a relationship where we don’t really know what we are getting ourselves into.

ok sure. We have had our deep meaningful convo, once or twice…. but then Time happens, and there are new memories made and those old ones fade away…hence we call ourselves New people

so when school comes back in approximately 1.5 months, he’s gonna be a changed person…with less things in common to talk to me about thus less interest in me.

I am so desperately falling for him and Im ready to open up my life to him….but i refuse to do this over a betty 5 minute phone call where all I wait for is that repetitive “I have to go now”.

He’s not a little bitch so he shouldn’t act like that around me. The way he decides when the right time to say goodbye is, or when to call or…when do say or do anything with me. And im so helpless happy around him that it hurts me so much more when he has to go and he just doesn’t understand that.

I say everything….but there is always more to tell him….and there is no time and no words he could say to me that would make this all ok. Because right now I miss him like hell….but I have no rights, and its tearing me apart.

 

I cannot even be mad at him because when he talks to me a smile automatically appears and i just feel lighter and happier and ….. peaceful, and as soon as that call ends…this thick heavy blanket of depression and sogginess submerges my body and makes me feel so heavy.

Does he even think like this? What does he even think about. What does he say when he says he “talks about me” …. oh “she’s great”. Why is it that people are able to fall in love with him the way I do when I talk about him and when he talks about me its “they liked you just from your pictures”. He’s a guy ok….but that shouldn’t be an excuse right?

Should I tell him, that Im scared for how things are going to turn out when he comes back. He already knows my uncomfortable feels and reasonings…but he knows them in brief and Im scared he will never really understand.

And Im so afraid for that look. That look people have when they can see how messed up you are… how desperate and weird you are and have nothing to say All they can say it “that sucks”. I hate not being able to connect with people in that way….or when they have nothing to say or when….im the one at wrong. And he is to fresh in my life….i dont want to scare him with my vivid thoughts and emotions. And i dont want him to think he has control over me or has be under his tongue either.

I said we would wait….but now that means I have to make this decision up for myself, but I didnt realize I was going to become so attached after he left me. I dont know much about his life….but does that make my life worst… does that make him like me less. He says these things but I cant feel the truth or realness in his voice, and i want him to tell me we will figure this out together. Its as if when he asks me if im ok the he expects me to with me happy go lucky , yippy galore, aye ok! or….. I fricken ripped my toe off and am being rushed to the hospital. There is no sentiment in between….no, how are you feeling… are you doing ok?

I can say Im down…. or I could ask him what he would do if I was depressed and in a bad place and his answer is plain…lethargic…and wrong….”idk”.

That or, im not sure how to help, but hope you feel better. Im bigger then having to make him feel jealous to have to say these things tho. I mean… Tim would have the words im looking for in a moment like this. Not exactly all of them, but just enough to make me feel important….and worthy. Is that too much to ask for the guy you actually like and not the guy he hates…..

I cant even talk to anyone here about it because they are all too much more absorbed in their own “problems” and would never have the right advice to tell me because if its not their problem its not a problem at all.

I cant even being to start explaining to him.

Because the truth is….He is really great, but maybe its just a general guy thing…that they feel the need to have to say things back when a girl says it to them…but I want a guy to tell me they love me when I least expect it, and tell it in their own time, in their own way. I dont want them to wait for me. I want him to understand me on a spiritual level. And yeah, we have talked about our simiarities in social life…but what about internally…. what about higher degree thoughts. That’s who I am and I cant have sci fi movie/cmic book conversations every single time. There has to be something more. And it thrashes me to the ground like a physical abuser when someone says things so naturally like “no, thats lame” “no thats a bad idea” because….its bad, but I do care what people think even when I say I dont and I can have my own opinion as much as I want but as soon as the people are me….especially the ones i like to much start trashing my thoughts and mindset….i have the need to have to make them like me more somehow…make them like me…even thought its not really me their liking…its the one iv altered to benefit their liking. Its a good thing i…as in me…stand up for things that are actually morally and socially liked….except….him?

do I just choose guys that i feel the need to have to be a better version of myself for… or guys that like to take advantage of that. I want to impress them….and want them to like me so much that i cannot dare say anything that would hurt them…or say what im actually negatively thinking. its a weakness and a sin to the person I really am…but Im new and I need to not rely on people because thats what everyone expects of me right?

I never asked anyone for advice with …the other one….and everyone wanted to be us…not that it mattered….but why is this so hard, to make him want him…or to make us work like that…i mean we will when we are together but right now….i dont remember having this much miss in me. only for short times….but i had rights to say things…and this ….this “make your own desision thing” makes me even more confused and angry.

Its crazy….but I want someone to love me so much that they can’t stay away from me. I want them to be obsessed with calling or talking to me….even for a time period. I want them to want me so much that it hurts. Because right now…. I dont even know if he knows what love is.

In Betweener

Its a little sticky outside today. Sort of that “in betweener” in the middle of “its about to rain” and “wow its so sunny out”. Confused weather is what I like to call it.

Iv been putting this post off for a while now; that with my busy schedule of waking up late, surfing social media and then daydreaming the rest of the day, I hardly had enough time to write it (ha ha). Its been a blast having some time to just think, but I have a problem with just that, in that I think too much. Leave me for a few minutes, and my mind has already found a gazillion problems wrong with my life.

Time is exactly what I don’t need when there are priories that need to be fulfilled. I have thought about all the academic tasks I still need to do; EE, TOK homework, math IA, music IA, compositions, virtual school?

I can think about the fact that I told myself I was going to do all of these tasks before I lazied around, and yet was still pressured into relaxing. See I tend to not be able to relax fully when I know there are things to be done. Kind of like that feeling when you cant fall asleep because you know there is a tiny job you forgot to do, or something that you can’t get off your mind. See, right now… my life is a little like the weather…. an “in betweener”.

Its a “half hearted” puzzle of “should I relax, or should I force a college essay”. I always seem to find the perfect excuse as to why not to do my work; “oh, but my friends havnt started their ether.” “oh, but I could just apply for a job, and say I was working on that the whole time.” all BS…. because I know in this life, nothing good comes from waiting it off.

Im stressed about a little of overthought problems. Yes, many to do with me, but also the people around me.

Its fathers day, and I did not really expect anything from today. My dad hasn’t been all that jolly lately, so I thought a nice family gathering would be the best cure for him on this day.

Of course, Stress and Anger got in the way of my parents “oh so obvious love” (that was sarcasm btw) and like my dad put it best “ruined the day”. I decided I would sit there as my sister quickly made an escape by saying she would start cleaning up the table. By me being there I ensured there would be no tragic causes.

I have always been the one to speak up from all my siblings in the family. Not just for myself, but for what is right, for the rest of my family, for the sake of having peace. I do take the fall for it though, and my reputation you could say, has been almost shattered in my family because of my stronger will. I take it however. If i believe something is worth fighting for, then I will sacrifice what is necessary.

Today was not a day for fighting. So I waited until the insults were exchanged and tried not to make any exaggerated movements because that always rallied them up more.

My mom was the one to leave, and I sat there in silence, staring at my father. He vented, and mourned over the losses he has faced that my mother would never understand. I mended the wounds for her, telling him of the mutiple compliments my mother awarded him when he did not recognize it. We cried, and giggled a little. We agreed and talked. I have never felt more connected to my dad then I did today. Telling him how I have felt I have failed, by not succeeding his expectations. He told me I “astonished” him in that I have built myself up in such a short amount of time. I teared up and gave him his fathers day cards.

Writing has always been my doorway to expression. I have been able to clearly explain my feelings and emotions to someone when I would otherwise not be able to say out loud. The time it takes for me to write something that I truly mean out is less than that I would have to think of it. Grammatically incorrect, but emotionally real.

My dad is the one person who can make me cry when I see him cry…. I hope he keeps that letter forever, because its the closest I have been to him for a long time.

The end of this day consisted of him kissing my mother on the head and telling her he was sorry.

There are some things I overthink unnecessarily. Like how much work I have to get done. But then there are some aspects like this. If I had wasted my time thinking about how much I have to yet fulfill I would never be able to connect with people the way I did today. So, sometimes its ok to not be with it, because you wouldn’t want to miss something even more valuable.

 

Happy Fathers Day to all the loving Pops!

Belief… The thief that takes away our truth.

“WHAT THE F**** DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY”. This was my awakening to an afternoon nap. I listened attentively, trying to catch words of what was happening. Looking outside I realized it wasn’t my neighbors, it wasn’t the movie I fell asleep to. No, it was coming from my own home. Could it be, that even after our promises and aims to “be different” after we moved, to change and see change in ourselves- in our surroundings… that we truly are the same people. I swear, for a second I believed it was true.

We often tell ourselves that if we “truly believe something then it will come true”. We say “change is inevitable” and sometimes…. in the rarest of times, this can be a reality. But the truth really lies when our subconscious mind starts fiddling with bad habits- playing with thoughts and reoccurring actions. The truth is, we never really change just because we tell ourselves we do. We only start making new actions for our mind to trick our body into believing we are different people.

We are a people that cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, constantly working and struggling, constantly thriving to be someone, but we are only hurting ourselves because we always end up going back to the people we used to be, we always lose the fight against the Impossible. We move, change our identity, take away our past…. but where does it go… no where. The Past stays right by our side, invisible temporarily, but then bounces back right when we least expect it.

Today, I decided it was time for a change. I was going to go for a run, and start eating healthy so that I would be fit over the Summer, but just like you would expect, the second I had the chance, I was sitting in my room watching Friends and eating a Cosmic Brownie. Today, my sister tried to make conversation with me from out of the blue, but just as I had expected that was all due to the fact that she only wanted to borrow my clothing. Today, my parents spent a day together shopping and bonding…. coming home, screaming at the top of their lungs and telling each other words no couple should ever tell eachother. This… this to me was so familiar that my body in fact reacted instincitively, knowing from the past exacltly how to act in this situation.

I shot up, my eye twitching and my ears blankening every other noise to try to understand what the most horrendous sound was. I kept still…quiet. They were fighting, about what? option 1. not buying the right groceries, option 2. money my family owed option 3. blaming the other for something they said…. option 2. My mothers high pitched voice ran throughout the house, and my fathers monstrous shouts made the hairs on my arm stand up. I heard the words, the swearing, the banging of doors. I heard the silence and then the return. I heard my heart beating faster, my head starting to throb. I felt the tears in my eyes start to whell up… but it was times like this that I had learned to put an armor up, for my sister, for myself. It was times like this where my mind, after all these years, had been built for these oh-so-familir attacks. I had two options for myself. option 1. Go into the room and show them how their fighting still affects their kids. option 2. Stay in my room till everyone goes to bed and then get something to eat for dinner…. no one was going to cook tonight… option 2. I knew they had lied…. telling me things were going to change… but they didn’t know that.   Just because we have moved to a different country does not make us different people. Their are lies behind each of our smiles because at the end of the day, my mind has been solidified and does not just”change” because we tell ourselves that.

I hurt from the pain people face around me. I thrive off of people’s happiness, but this Happiness comes rarely. Makes us Believe we are ok, we are doing something right. Then Past and Reality pitch up and we are back to square one. “Im used to it”…. that is a more relatable sentence then any I have heard. See… when I am still too sacred to go outside my room… when I still hate being home and hate being the only one to make a conversation… when I am still the one blamed and ridiculed… when I am still acting the same way as I did before I came here, then change really is not inevitable. It is just a word… a mechanism we use to lie to ourselves. It is just a way to explain how to move forth…. but not explain how we come right back.

Just because I am sick of the screams… does not mean they will ever stop, that I have had to learn the hard way.

I am who I am because of these reoccurrences. These generalities in my life, these … “ok, whats the net step” situations. I lie. I do things that satisfy my needs that my family could never, and that is how I have lived. I tell myself I’m different, and I go about my life doing things that make me Happy. But I always come back…. home… to the nightmares and sweaty palms… to the crying and arguments. I always come back to the places I know best, to the places that have occurred most frequently because that is all I know. Truth is reality… Belief is a thief that takes that away.

Waiting 

It’s all about waiting. Waiting for the day to end, waiting for your grades to come in, waiting for the right guy, waiting for summer, waiting for a flash of brilliance…. waiting for something. It’s a hard skill for me to have but I feel more fufilled when the wait is over. It’s one of those moments when you think it will never end in the moment but then after its passed you think, well that wasn’t so hard after all. I know what my priorities are but all I can think is I deserve some time to bask in the glory of being done. I have worked really hard these past few weeks and I think some time reflect on the stress and pain I went through is vital. I know my performance is saddening but at the same time I need to remember that the smarter people grow from their mistakes. Maybe I had a reasoning behind the answers I put, a clear argument as to why it is a plausible answer… I always do… but standardized tests have no room for plausibility…. it’s wrong or right. Which is why I could never be just a student…. with one goal to get good grades and to have the correct answer because I believe there is so much behind why something is the way it is. I could never believe that the answer I have is the only possible answer…. the world was not made like that…. it took several minds to make understanding. Several minds who started off with an absurd thought that eventually turned into reasoning. But before it was reasoning it was considered weird, out of norm, crazy. But someone today asked me “what’s the difference between crazy and a genius” … I have no “correct” answer to this… because maybe what you think is crazy will one day change the world. I’m trying so hard to fit into this society, to be accepted and thrive in the conditions but maybe what I need to accept is that all minds can’t accelerate in the same conditions. People are excellent in what they do when they fit the conditions best and maybe I’m not excellent but maybe that’s because I’m not in my thriving conditions. After taking three “you have no choice but to pass” exams this week I’m in a zone where I’m just done. I have experienced every sort of mental breakdown possible since I arrived here and I feel like Iv tackled the world. I know I have a lot to learn but that’s just it… schooling standards are not what I will bring into my life later on. Maybe the tactics and methods I used to fulfill my time, but content wise, the world doesn’t work off what piR squared is. 

Spending time for myself has been great for my to get to know myself, and the more I realize the more I want to be done. Summer is the next wait, but till then I just need to get through the obstacles. 
Breathing is also good.

Standardized Life 

A week of no sleep, swollen eyes, throbbing heads, and non stop accelerating. This week has been hell. With the exams that are supposed to determine my energy into college, into my dreams and into my future. These tests are my worst nightmare …. the foreigner in me speaks like a victim…. speaks as if abused and vulranable. But the past week, I have had to suck in my stomach from the tremor in my throat and give it all I got. I did, and I like to think today is my reward. A day to appeas myself for doing the best I could in a time of desperation. I may not have performed to my best ability, but I got through it…. I didn’t give up, and today I applaud myself with a fresh shower of manicures and facials. I can breath and the mindset I was in smells foal, but I’m ready to kickstart, ready for the next battle to be defeated. One step at a time, one step closer to freedom.