He’s a Dashing Man

If words could generate their own words to describe how much I️ care about Him, there would not be enough room in the dictionary to fit all of them.

I️ have avoided writing complete entries in the lovely man I’m with, but I️ figured I️ would never have enough time or capacity to explain how much he means to me.

So this is not a love letter, or a sappy heart felt diary entry (even though it very much seems like it), it’s more of a dedication, because he deserves to be noted in my life for as long as I️ live. He is a figure of my history now and I’m proud that he is.

I️ remember feeling my hands sweat the first time I️ met him, trying to keep cool and act like I️ had everything in control. Yet in the back of my head, tornados of thoughts swirled widely. It seems a life time ago that I️ met the tall, lanky young man who held open ever door, and offered to walk me to the bus every afternoon. He was a gentleman, and regardless of the amount of times he says it’s normal

I️ was never treated like that before, so subconsciously I️ believed I️ was being hit on. My insecure mind and doubts put that straight however, as I️ figured a confident, smart guy like him would never choose to be with a tiny, fragile girl like myself when there were thousands of other worthy girls with asses much larger then the amount of confidence I️ had.

I️m not sure how men’s minds work, when they see a girl that is interested do they immediately go for the catch, or do they all of a sudden find something attractive and get what they can, or maybe they are pressured to think they like what they see… whatever it was, I️ was more then surprised when I️ was the one he chose to be with…I️ was the one he saw himself with.

Today, I️ feel guilty for being who I️ am to him. He puts in so much effort for me that sometimes I️ wonder if he will regret it one day. I️ don’t love him for what he gives me, except for his attention. I️ always loved him, I️ knew that from the start, and that’s something I️ could never begin to explain.

I️ know his touch like it’s printed on my skin. Chocolate colored hair and rosy, high rounded cheeks. He’s cute when he’s insecure, or when he’s vulnerable. It’s when he’s most himself, without trying to impress me, and eagerly trying to prove he is a good partner.

I️ never fuss over him, because I️ was too easily judged before, and it sucks to be told something you believe in looks bad, or is wrong… especially when the person you expect to have the most support in you couldn’t care less.

But sometimes my simplicity emerges into a state where I can’t say anything out of the blue or at least feel odd, because I️ know he would go out of his way if he knew anything was wrong, but I️ don’t want to cause drama either. I️ simply want to react in the state I️ am in.

And sometimes his words hit the nail and that’s all I️ need to hear. His voice and corrected statements. His laugh and soft grip.

He’s everything to me when I️ think I have nothing. And I wish he could see himself through my eyes, because imperfection makes you human, and I️ am the person who lives to hear the stories of humans. I️ live to tell a story, and I’m just grateful this time I️ get to be a partof someone else’s.

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Thankful for Thought

A week of breath, I️ can actually feel my lungs give back some air. It’s been such a busy week for me I️ don’t remember the last time I️ even thought about writing… other then for the multiple essays and research papers I️ need to get done.

So much has happened it’s hard to believe that I️ feel like I’ve done a billion things in one week and still not fulfilled anything.

I’ve noticed more though

Noticed how people cover up their stress with making themselves seem in line with life

Noticed how insecurities are revealed at someone’s vulnerabilities it rather one their weakness gets the better half of them

Noticed how people need to be told the simplest of rules in order to remind themselves they’re not crazy

Noticed how taking time for thought is so important when you think the suffering will never end

I️ don’t feel accomplished because I Havnt proved to myself I’m worthy of my achievements, or at least whatever I️ have achieved I️ don’t think it is worth celebrating.

I️ often feel like no body, in a swarm that makes me feel like just another fish in the sea. I️ hate feeling unnoticed especially because I️ know I️ have talent and rigor and passion buried deep within me

I️ know I’m somebody, but I️ don’t want to be the only one to admit that, because in order to survive you have to stand out and you have to be confident with that.

Sometimes I️ cower, and it frightens me to think how much I️ have changed … because I️ have. I️ haven’t had to be exposed to an in routinely manner for a while now… so I’m stuck in this uncomfortable comfort zone, where I️ dislike the step by step life I️ live but can’t do anything about it because it’s the only life I can get anything done with.

I️ shunned away from talking to a patient today at Florida Hospital. Didn’t I️ used to be more out going then this?

I️ know I️ will be faced with opening myself up again and feeling vulnerable and bare once I️ join a college, but I️ hate feeling like I’ve done nothing because I️ have nothing that is… mine right now.

All I️ do is abide to other people’s laws and rules and instructions, when will I️ own something?

I️ know it just sounds like teenage girl drama, but being independent has always been something that defined my character and it’s like I have been forced to back down from that…

It’s thanksgiving break, and I️ refuse to waste my time on what I️ do not have but rather spend it on what I️ do.

My family is reunited and it feels whole for once. I️ know once Avani leaves there will be a hole in the family. I’ve never been able to fill that no matter how hard I️ try, but that’s how we work as a unit, that we are never as strong as we are then when we are together.

I️ will be grateful for that, and for those in my life that have helped me connect again, and have spent time to think of me and my wellbeing. I️ am thankful for the life I️ have been giving no matter how dark it may seem at times. I️ just have to make it work.

Mould it and shape it to how I️ picture it to be, because if I️ want to own something I️ have to work for it. Not an easy lesson learnt, but a lesson I️ have always kept in my thoughts. Prayers to my Home Zimbabwe, how fights for their independence and freedom.

Change is necessary, for everyone.

Crawl

I want to crawl into my own skin and sit in its darkness, I want to huddle in my own self so the rest of the world is faded out. I want to run away and just feel safe somewhere.

But I feel nothing.

Why do I always let failure eat me up and spit me out. Why do I let certain aspects in my life define who I am. I feel like in this society, I can never grow to be myself as long as I have deadlines and unsuccess. People only want to know you when you are successful.

Im exhausted of smiling. Sometimes I just want to sit without people asking me what’s wrong. I hate feeling like a lower class, a pitied person, who complains and grouches about their own doings.

I deserve it I guess, but Im tired of hiding it because I dont want to be outcasted. Why can’t I let people accept me for me, why do test scores and standards matter so much.

I cannot even be myself around him anymore, and it has gotten to the stage where I cannot lie anymore. He will soon or later understand my dumbness, and what if that makes him pity me…what if Im not the person he thought I was. “smart, funny and beautiful” have to work together… right?

Giving up is not even an option. I have to pay more attention, take less breaks and just go all out despite being exhausted. and Im dying having to juggle him, and school and college.

I cannot even cry enough because my mind suddenly jumps to tasks I need to do and deadlines I need to meet. I feel wrong for celebrating other people’s success when I have none my own. Who am I in this society? What makes me so different, that someone will want to talk to me? What are my passions that people learn from me?

I was never made for this life of standardized tests and being labeled by a number. I just want to get out of this zone of being placed in a ranking, and expected to ace. I want to be myself again, and I don’t know how?

Homecoming?!

Today I felt so special! It’s not often I get to say that because I don’t think of people thinking of me… If that’s even a logical concept. I think of my own thoughts a lot, think about myself, but when other people go out of their way for me… it shocks me, confuses me almost

… why would anyone want to put in that effort for me? 

He’s everything I could ever dream of. He makes me feel so good about myself… with his eyes focused on me, and his every word (although may just be to make me feel good about myself) means the world to me. 

Today was homecoming, and I spent hours trying to pick the right dress and look… but not for the event… for him. Yes yes… my whole concept of being myself regardless of a relationship was completely distraught, but I felt like he deserved it. He deserved to have someone who put in as much effort as he did for me, to be associated with. He deserved his partner to look good, and to overall have a good looking facade. 

I wanted to be his girl, and I wanted him to be proud to be my guy. I awaited my comment of how he thought I truly looked, and may have come off annoyed when he truthfully told me I always did. 

But not only that… my best friend honestly outbeats any best friend ever. Going out of her way to send a large…. threatening letter to him, warning to never break my heart or face the consequences. Atop of that, she surprised me with a rose he bought me along side his to demonstrate she would be with me on my special night… it made me very emotional ok. 

And for some reason, every comment I was given about how gorgeous I looked tonight and how pretty I was, and how lucky he was to have me by his side… stuck with me. Maybe because I cared so much about the time I put in to looking good for the dance, that it felt fulfilling to know I had done a successful job. 

I don’t often think of people thinking about me…. but tonight I learned that with a little time, and more awareness, people notice:.. you just have to put in the effort. 

It wasn’t a night I was expecting, but it made me feel more confident in myself, and that’s way more important then knowing how to grind on someone (just saying) 

Burnt Out

It seems the days have just slipped through my fingers and Im flying in auto pilot now. Just getting tasks done as they come but not really thinking them through or getting to where I want to be at. All my most important tasks have been set aside because tiny crawling assignments crowd my way from getting to them.

Ive only had the time to write this post now because tomorrow I finally have a test free day. I think my test anxiety has narrowed because I have had so many to do that it has become usual for me to expect them…. however having the skills to do them is another story.

Today especially, I was simply burnt out. I had no energy to laugh or pick up my pencil for that matter. I was mad for having so many schedule changes and not being able to control what comes next.

I miss home, and I haven’t realized how much time has passed since I last spoke to my friends.

So much has happened that right now…. this post is me ranting so that I can fix my thoughts… its simply so I can organize what has happened in my life so I can see where I want to head… I truly do not have the energy to write my intense theories for the time being.

Ive gotten closer to him… a lot closer. But sometimes I do not think he realizes the bigger picture I have, or has such a set idea on what we should be that he doesn’t consider the implications of the lifestyle I live in. Sometimes it worries me to think where we are heading and how close we have become in the last 2 months because it shows how hard it will be to leave him in the next year when we depart for college. Some days I cannot be around him because I have to focus and he is my biggest distraction, and some days all I want is him. This I have noticed happens to me a lot, but I stick with it. I only worry that I fake my happiness far too much with him sometimes because I force myself to believe that I should be grateful that I got exactly what I wanted, but sometimes he wants more then I can give him…at least in the day, and it makes me disappointed in myself when I cannot make a moment out of the time ew have together, or make him happy/proud about himself. Is that wrong to my morals…to my dignity? He gets me, and I can be myself around him… or maybe its just that I am comfortable around him…  is there a difference?

Ive become more confident in myself. Made stronger beliefs and realized more of my actions. I do not like to doubt myself, and after the hell I went through last year, I never want to feel like that again. I like knowing who I am, even though sometimes being an outcast can be hard, I accept and embrace it as much as I can. I try to do small things that will keep me sane in this robotic life, and try to smile through it all… that I have always been better at. I do wish that there was some more excitement in my life though, something that kept me on edge and not in an anxious way. I guess he is that for me, but even then, I don’t want to have to rely on him to bring interest in my life… its just time is against all odds and does not want me to have fun this semester.

I have started trying things like looking forward to at least one thing in my day but there is not much to it, and it makes me wonder of the life i would’ve had if I was still in Zim. This sinful thought hoards my mind and I know its wrong for me and my wellbeing but it also keeps me in loop with my thoughts and questions, its only human for me to wonder.

One thing on the same level as doubting myself is other people doubting me, wish is why I often exaggerate to keep my standards high and to help me have some self esteem. In a world where everyone is competing for more or less the same thing, I am already not always looked upon but days that I am make me feel so good. I have more energy and just generally happier… but I know my standards are lower then many others that surround me, but what do I have that they don’t… a lot. And I am happy with who I am, I have faith I can improve even though patience is something I need to work on.

I have said this before, that I cannot wait for high school to be over. When I used to enjoy going to school because it was more then school to me it was so much more, this in comparison is nothing… merely a stage I have to go through. I do not want to only be on the same level as everyone else around me finally, I also want to be more in control of my life and interests and finally shape my life accordingly. I cannot wait for that independence but it worries me I will not get there.

So many questions, so little time… so tired.

Yet less time means closer to the destination.

(A little post to recap my recent thoughts and keep a steady flow going)

College for who? 

I keep telling myself I have time. But really, time is the one thing I do not have. I only just realized a few moments ago that it is already the end of August, meaning in about two months time I will starting my application process for college, meaning in the span of two months I will need to actually settle on a top choice of schools to apply for and have all my deadlines, requirements and teachers questions/ requests cometetd before then. 

I don’t think people understand that when I ask them if they are ok, that I really want them to ask it back just so they compare their weak stress to my truly chaotic stress. 

And I do not do well with stress. 

I guess in many ways it’s my fault for causing myself this much stress. I push back my assignments when I look at the amount I have accomplished. At this point it’s all about who can get the most done in the least amount of time, at least with my character perspective… and everyone else’s perspective of me. I wish I didn’t have to care so much, but I do, and it gets me going sometimes. 

But it’s also a question of knowing when to cut the relaxation and celebration and get to work. 

When people other then me stress about not getting their IB dimplama, that’s when I freak out and have a slight heart attack. 

These people are S M A R T! And I am hardly average. I do not like putting myself down so publically because my persona is completely different then that to what my grades show. But when these people, them who don’t need to work hard and get good grades, them who basically can get away with anything just with their general knowledge, them with their interest and quick understanding… when they worry, I die a little. 

I am scared, that’s a fact, but I’m scared for myself and how I am going to react. I’m scared of being turned down and of turning  away. I’m scared of not knowing enough. 

I know I have to take one day as it comes but my entire environment is molded around the idea of success: well what happens when I don’t succeed? It does not care for failures and different learnings. It’s a direct cosmopolitan system that you have no choice but to oblige to. 

Maybe I am dyslexic. 

Coming up, SAT anxiety attacks and the secret behind smiles… stay tuned.