Homecoming?!

Today I felt so special! It’s not often I get to say that because I don’t think of people thinking of me… If that’s even a logical concept. I think of my own thoughts a lot, think about myself, but when other people go out of their way for me… it shocks me, confuses me almost

… why would anyone want to put in that effort for me? 

He’s everything I could ever dream of. He makes me feel so good about myself… with his eyes focused on me, and his every word (although may just be to make me feel good about myself) means the world to me. 

Today was homecoming, and I spent hours trying to pick the right dress and look… but not for the event… for him. Yes yes… my whole concept of being myself regardless of a relationship was completely distraught, but I felt like he deserved it. He deserved to have someone who put in as much effort as he did for me, to be associated with. He deserved his partner to look good, and to overall have a good looking facade. 

I wanted to be his girl, and I wanted him to be proud to be my guy. I awaited my comment of how he thought I truly looked, and may have come off annoyed when he truthfully told me I always did. 

But not only that… my best friend honestly outbeats any best friend ever. Going out of her way to send a large…. threatening letter to him, warning to never break my heart or face the consequences. Atop of that, she surprised me with a rose he bought me along side his to demonstrate she would be with me on my special night… it made me very emotional ok. 

And for some reason, every comment I was given about how gorgeous I looked tonight and how pretty I was, and how lucky he was to have me by his side… stuck with me. Maybe because I cared so much about the time I put in to looking good for the dance, that it felt fulfilling to know I had done a successful job. 

I don’t often think of people thinking about me…. but tonight I learned that with a little time, and more awareness, people notice:.. you just have to put in the effort. 

It wasn’t a night I was expecting, but it made me feel more confident in myself, and that’s way more important then knowing how to grind on someone (just saying) 

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Burnt Out

It seems the days have just slipped through my fingers and Im flying in auto pilot now. Just getting tasks done as they come but not really thinking them through or getting to where I want to be at. All my most important tasks have been set aside because tiny crawling assignments crowd my way from getting to them.

Ive only had the time to write this post now because tomorrow I finally have a test free day. I think my test anxiety has narrowed because I have had so many to do that it has become usual for me to expect them…. however having the skills to do them is another story.

Today especially, I was simply burnt out. I had no energy to laugh or pick up my pencil for that matter. I was mad for having so many schedule changes and not being able to control what comes next.

I miss home, and I haven’t realized how much time has passed since I last spoke to my friends.

So much has happened that right now…. this post is me ranting so that I can fix my thoughts… its simply so I can organize what has happened in my life so I can see where I want to head… I truly do not have the energy to write my intense theories for the time being.

Ive gotten closer to him… a lot closer. But sometimes I do not think he realizes the bigger picture I have, or has such a set idea on what we should be that he doesn’t consider the implications of the lifestyle I live in. Sometimes it worries me to think where we are heading and how close we have become in the last 2 months because it shows how hard it will be to leave him in the next year when we depart for college. Some days I cannot be around him because I have to focus and he is my biggest distraction, and some days all I want is him. This I have noticed happens to me a lot, but I stick with it. I only worry that I fake my happiness far too much with him sometimes because I force myself to believe that I should be grateful that I got exactly what I wanted, but sometimes he wants more then I can give him…at least in the day, and it makes me disappointed in myself when I cannot make a moment out of the time ew have together, or make him happy/proud about himself. Is that wrong to my morals…to my dignity? He gets me, and I can be myself around him… or maybe its just that I am comfortable around him…  is there a difference?

Ive become more confident in myself. Made stronger beliefs and realized more of my actions. I do not like to doubt myself, and after the hell I went through last year, I never want to feel like that again. I like knowing who I am, even though sometimes being an outcast can be hard, I accept and embrace it as much as I can. I try to do small things that will keep me sane in this robotic life, and try to smile through it all… that I have always been better at. I do wish that there was some more excitement in my life though, something that kept me on edge and not in an anxious way. I guess he is that for me, but even then, I don’t want to have to rely on him to bring interest in my life… its just time is against all odds and does not want me to have fun this semester.

I have started trying things like looking forward to at least one thing in my day but there is not much to it, and it makes me wonder of the life i would’ve had if I was still in Zim. This sinful thought hoards my mind and I know its wrong for me and my wellbeing but it also keeps me in loop with my thoughts and questions, its only human for me to wonder.

One thing on the same level as doubting myself is other people doubting me, wish is why I often exaggerate to keep my standards high and to help me have some self esteem. In a world where everyone is competing for more or less the same thing, I am already not always looked upon but days that I am make me feel so good. I have more energy and just generally happier… but I know my standards are lower then many others that surround me, but what do I have that they don’t… a lot. And I am happy with who I am, I have faith I can improve even though patience is something I need to work on.

I have said this before, that I cannot wait for high school to be over. When I used to enjoy going to school because it was more then school to me it was so much more, this in comparison is nothing… merely a stage I have to go through. I do not want to only be on the same level as everyone else around me finally, I also want to be more in control of my life and interests and finally shape my life accordingly. I cannot wait for that independence but it worries me I will not get there.

So many questions, so little time… so tired.

Yet less time means closer to the destination.

(A little post to recap my recent thoughts and keep a steady flow going)

College for who? 

I keep telling myself I have time. But really, time is the one thing I do not have. I only just realized a few moments ago that it is already the end of August, meaning in about two months time I will starting my application process for college, meaning in the span of two months I will need to actually settle on a top choice of schools to apply for and have all my deadlines, requirements and teachers questions/ requests cometetd before then. 

I don’t think people understand that when I ask them if they are ok, that I really want them to ask it back just so they compare their weak stress to my truly chaotic stress. 

And I do not do well with stress. 

I guess in many ways it’s my fault for causing myself this much stress. I push back my assignments when I look at the amount I have accomplished. At this point it’s all about who can get the most done in the least amount of time, at least with my character perspective… and everyone else’s perspective of me. I wish I didn’t have to care so much, but I do, and it gets me going sometimes. 

But it’s also a question of knowing when to cut the relaxation and celebration and get to work. 

When people other then me stress about not getting their IB dimplama, that’s when I freak out and have a slight heart attack. 

These people are S M A R T! And I am hardly average. I do not like putting myself down so publically because my persona is completely different then that to what my grades show. But when these people, them who don’t need to work hard and get good grades, them who basically can get away with anything just with their general knowledge, them with their interest and quick understanding… when they worry, I die a little. 

I am scared, that’s a fact, but I’m scared for myself and how I am going to react. I’m scared of being turned down and of turning  away. I’m scared of not knowing enough. 

I know I have to take one day as it comes but my entire environment is molded around the idea of success: well what happens when I don’t succeed? It does not care for failures and different learnings. It’s a direct cosmopolitan system that you have no choice but to oblige to. 

Maybe I am dyslexic. 

Coming up, SAT anxiety attacks and the secret behind smiles… stay tuned. 

And so what?

And  so what if I want to wear a new dress the day I bought it?

Is there a written contract saying I am under constriction of feeling good about myself, my interests…my own likings?

I feel that in todays where there are so many constraints and restraints of what we should and should not do. We are constantly under lock down of our own passions and desires because the rest of the world does not seem to think its a good idea to eat left overs for three days in a row, or roll out of bed at 3 in the afternoon.

It seems almost ironic how I myself speak at this view. I am a teenager after all. We are supposed to be rebellious and out of control. Have a mind of our own and think we own the world….right? We are supposed to be the ones who don’t know shit because we have “not lived long enough” but think we know everything, and don’t give a damn about what people think of us. Cursing the world as we grow older, and running away from stress and dullness. We are the ones that every singer and artist portrays in their newest images, of escaping into the wilderness, of finding love at first sight, of experiencing the world at our finger tips. We are the underdogs, and the renegades, and the rascals, and the mischievous wildings. We don’t care what people say, and we go about our lives with no regrets….right?

Not exactly. See, when you live in a world like mine… you have no time to be a teenager. A family of four, basically fleeing from a politically corrupted land…left with nothing but shard glasses in our knees from crawling through the dirt of the unknown and the confused. We have been lost for so long that we forgot what it means to live freely. I have forgotten…. even being the “rebellious” teenager that I am.

Now I come to a home that smells of must, and the kind I am used to after a heavy rain where the earth leaves its aromas of mildew and soil. No, I come to a home where my parents feel I have embraced the lifestyle of the peers around me and have no more direction or drive to want to be better then I am. Although I think quite the opposite, I am afraid of changing into what they perceive of me. And maybe its ok for change to happen, but in a world like mine that can only mean you have received a job and are now paying the bills and taxations. Im 17…. have they forgotten?

Today I suddenly realized how young my sister is…she is 15. 2 years younger then I am. This seems odd? Of course she isn’t that much younger then I am, and most will believe that she acts the way every 15 year old would act. Getting rowdy and pretentious and behaving like a ….well… teenager. But I often forget how young she is because for her age, she seems almost wiser and more delicate then most of the friends I have made. She is too smart for her own good, and uses the advantage of making me look bad to make herself look better…typical younger sisters. Yet, she has not experienced half as much as I have in my lifetime of being a teen, and has no regrets of that whatsoever. Her personage is strong and independent….and it drains me to think how much she is growing up when all I want is for us to go back in time pretending to be princesses in the garden and care for each of our stuffed animals in our little palace… our sanctum.

Moving has aged us all.

And I see now how much I miss being free…being alive. I miss feeling myself again. So today I say…so what?

So what if I want to sing to songs I dont know the lyrics to

So what if I want to make a film with absolutely no plot.

So what if I wanna go swimming at midnight, and running in the rain. So what if I wanna spend a few extra dollars on food, or clothes, or anything I want.

So what if I wanna be a little frisky, testing the nature of my mind and the reactions of others.

So what if I wanna kiss someone in front of the world, and try to get a job when I have 10001 other priorities I could focus on.

So what if I wanna meet my neighbors when they tell me not to, or simply sit in silence when the rest of the air seems to be shouting.

I am a teenager… but Im also human, and I want to exist again. Im tired of stress, and chores, and to do’s hanging over my head…I want to walk in the storm instead….maybe just maybe laugh a little too.

Breathing? A little Venting…

Today was a bad day? Why? Because I do not easily accept failure in my life… I cannot handle detours easily. And it hurts.

I am going to be frank, I dont think I have been completely honest with you. I have hidden my true face under a mask of love sickness and hope. Iv told myself it is going to be ok, and that average is good when underneath the makeup, there is a rough skinned face…deteriorating slowly.

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