I want to crawl into my own skin and sit in its darkness, I want to huddle in my own self so the rest of the world is faded out. I want to run away and just feel safe somewhere.
But I feel nothing.
Why do I always let failure eat me up and spit me out. Why do I let certain aspects in my life define who I am. I feel like in this society, I can never grow to be myself as long as I have deadlines and unsuccess. People only want to know you when you are successful.
Im exhausted of smiling. Sometimes I just want to sit without people asking me what’s wrong. I hate feeling like a lower class, a pitied person, who complains and grouches about their own doings.
I deserve it I guess, but Im tired of hiding it because I dont want to be outcasted. Why can’t I let people accept me for me, why do test scores and standards matter so much.
I cannot even be myself around him anymore, and it has gotten to the stage where I cannot lie anymore. He will soon or later understand my dumbness, and what if that makes him pity me…what if Im not the person he thought I was. “smart, funny and beautiful” have to work together… right?
Giving up is not even an option. I have to pay more attention, take less breaks and just go all out despite being exhausted. and Im dying having to juggle him, and school and college.
I cannot even cry enough because my mind suddenly jumps to tasks I need to do and deadlines I need to meet. I feel wrong for celebrating other people’s success when I have none my own. Who am I in this society? What makes me so different, that someone will want to talk to me? What are my passions that people learn from me?
I was never made for this life of standardized tests and being labeled by a number. I just want to get out of this zone of being placed in a ranking, and expected to ace. I want to be myself again, and I don’t know how?