It seems the days have just slipped through my fingers and Im flying in auto pilot now. Just getting tasks done as they come but not really thinking them through or getting to where I want to be at. All my most important tasks have been set aside because tiny crawling assignments crowd my way from getting to them.
Ive only had the time to write this post now because tomorrow I finally have a test free day. I think my test anxiety has narrowed because I have had so many to do that it has become usual for me to expect them…. however having the skills to do them is another story.
Today especially, I was simply burnt out. I had no energy to laugh or pick up my pencil for that matter. I was mad for having so many schedule changes and not being able to control what comes next.
I miss home, and I haven’t realized how much time has passed since I last spoke to my friends.
So much has happened that right now…. this post is me ranting so that I can fix my thoughts… its simply so I can organize what has happened in my life so I can see where I want to head… I truly do not have the energy to write my intense theories for the time being.
Ive gotten closer to him… a lot closer. But sometimes I do not think he realizes the bigger picture I have, or has such a set idea on what we should be that he doesn’t consider the implications of the lifestyle I live in. Sometimes it worries me to think where we are heading and how close we have become in the last 2 months because it shows how hard it will be to leave him in the next year when we depart for college. Some days I cannot be around him because I have to focus and he is my biggest distraction, and some days all I want is him. This I have noticed happens to me a lot, but I stick with it. I only worry that I fake my happiness far too much with him sometimes because I force myself to believe that I should be grateful that I got exactly what I wanted, but sometimes he wants more then I can give him…at least in the day, and it makes me disappointed in myself when I cannot make a moment out of the time ew have together, or make him happy/proud about himself. Is that wrong to my morals…to my dignity? He gets me, and I can be myself around him… or maybe its just that I am comfortable around him… is there a difference?
Ive become more confident in myself. Made stronger beliefs and realized more of my actions. I do not like to doubt myself, and after the hell I went through last year, I never want to feel like that again. I like knowing who I am, even though sometimes being an outcast can be hard, I accept and embrace it as much as I can. I try to do small things that will keep me sane in this robotic life, and try to smile through it all… that I have always been better at. I do wish that there was some more excitement in my life though, something that kept me on edge and not in an anxious way. I guess he is that for me, but even then, I don’t want to have to rely on him to bring interest in my life… its just time is against all odds and does not want me to have fun this semester.
I have started trying things like looking forward to at least one thing in my day but there is not much to it, and it makes me wonder of the life i would’ve had if I was still in Zim. This sinful thought hoards my mind and I know its wrong for me and my wellbeing but it also keeps me in loop with my thoughts and questions, its only human for me to wonder.
One thing on the same level as doubting myself is other people doubting me, wish is why I often exaggerate to keep my standards high and to help me have some self esteem. In a world where everyone is competing for more or less the same thing, I am already not always looked upon but days that I am make me feel so good. I have more energy and just generally happier… but I know my standards are lower then many others that surround me, but what do I have that they don’t… a lot. And I am happy with who I am, I have faith I can improve even though patience is something I need to work on.
I have said this before, that I cannot wait for high school to be over. When I used to enjoy going to school because it was more then school to me it was so much more, this in comparison is nothing… merely a stage I have to go through. I do not want to only be on the same level as everyone else around me finally, I also want to be more in control of my life and interests and finally shape my life accordingly. I cannot wait for that independence but it worries me I will not get there.
So many questions, so little time… so tired.
Yet less time means closer to the destination.
(A little post to recap my recent thoughts and keep a steady flow going)