Mind passing me a pillow?

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I just want to scream!!!! 

Its ironic how I am constantly asked how do I keep myself together during such a stressful time, or how do I keep so organized, and yet all I really am doing is standing completely skill focusing on my actions in order to not burst out screaming and crying…. Im just focusing really really hard!

I’m completely everywhere…. Im such a mess it makes me stress clean to the limit.

Im exhausted of just thinking of how much I need to do, and I mean physically.

I always think that people always emphasize how hard IB is, and maybe thats why teachers have the brilliant idea of stressing us out to the top, during our senior year, when they know we have 1000000001 other requirements including COLLEGE, simply to make it a point that IB is a difficult system.

Why? :0

I am so sick of having to scribble out scheduled dates only to reschedule and reschedule because I alway end up having 10 more things to do by the end of the day.

I just wanna laugh without feeling guilty that I haven’t finished a college application essay or filled out enough application required forms.

I am being as organized as I can be, and I know that more then most people. But if there is one thing I have learned about the public youth is that, you are either super on point with everything, ahead of the game and stable, or stressed out, procrastinating most of the time or just simply cant focus for 18 hours straight. I tend to be categorized more towards the end of list 1, but thats only because list 2 is categorized as the more social and less socially awkward, excluded group. They make fun of their failures and happen to be a little more street smart then list 1. Im definitely more socially equipped. I like to have a life partly revolving around my social life, which makes it hard to keep organized every minute of the day.

That, or I am actually organized and its just impossible to keep up with every assignment the fricken teachers give us.

I mean, of course college is my number 1 priority right now, but I am not exceeding expectations in my class grades right now, and that is not even because of my “social” life, which, for a life in Zimbabwe would be WEEEAAAKKK! #theydontevenknow

And I need that break. That one day of the week dedicated to the people I actually just want to let go with. Just want to forget about school and work and stress and all the other crap they tell us is so important, and actually enjoy living here, and having this experience. Again, my ideal situation would not in a million years be shaped like this, but I’m trying to make the most of my senior year. Make memories, and laugh and have a blast failing and have a even bigger blast succeeding.

Im tired of thinking all my life is, is failure. Because I know I can be better then that, and I know that I will not let a number define who I am. Id rather be the dumbest kid in the country but still be able to make a decent conversation, or have something interesting to input at least. Id rather be morally and internally stable then mathematically correct.

I am not a figure or a standardized test score. I am not generalized by the population, and I will not be ridiculed by my failures… I will learn and grow from them, because mistakes happen, and I will never be satisfied with myself or my life if I never accept that. I am not everybody, I am me, and ITS OK that I have different interests.

That Im short and Indian. That Im flat footed and have a slight lisp. That I have a high pitched voice and look 12 but am really almost 18.

Its ok that I like photography, and expressing myself, and believe in spirituality and zodiac signs. I believe in the stars and the moon and the universe playing a part in my life. I believe in luck and good fortune and Hope.

I have faith… and its ok if I don’t want to be like everyone else, trying and striving to succeed. Success will come, but I strive to find myself first. 

Its crazy how freaked out my peers around me are when I guarantee every one of them is smarter then me and have a higher chance of getting into college then me. They are so bright and they are so blind. Im just great at composing myself… and that has taken ages for me to learn.I just have great methods of coping…even if that means crying, cause heavens, crying helps #takenotes. Most of them are younger then me and about to graduate. They worry of their SAT scores of 1460 being too low whilst Im wondering if my shirt is hanging too low. Its just sad and amusing how caught up the average teenager gets in all of this crap they tell us is important. I mean 50% of our life is just spent in school and work, and stressing and never feeling fulfilled.

And here I am asking myself… so whats the point?

At the end of the day we cannot control Time. We will all grow old, and make a living somehow. We will explore our options regardless of what conditions or system we are under and we will always find a way to smile again.

Its like they say, without the sun, we would never have life on earth. Without that internal sunshine within us all, we would not be able to live at all.

The point is, in order to keep moving forward, and in order to give ourself direction we have to have something to motivate us. An object will never move without force. Something established and rigorous so we work towards a goal….we are always working towards something, even if we do not notice it at first. Which is exactly why we can never feel fulfilled in life, because as soon as one task is complete its never really complete because part b comes alongside it then part c etc.

So why not give ourselves credit for all the tasks we have crossed off our schedules? Wouldn’t we all be a lot more accomplished that way?

To me, life comes in stages. Once high school is done, thats one major stage crossed of the Life List. Then College and masters and any other academic assistance. Then career and earnings, then family obligations and commitment… but through it all, Im building up who I AM. At the end of the day, who am I living this life for?

Myself.

and I think thats what so many teens and …people in general have today, is that they are so focused in fitting into the society and blending into the norm structure of what life should look like that they forget to self check themselves and ask if what they are doing is really what they want to be doing. I agree, if you have a natural born talent then you were literally born to do that, and you should express that talent to the world….you deserve to allow the world to bask in your talent. But if you are anything like me, and don’t think you have a talent, then you have your entire life to figure out what that is. Why would not want to do that?

it really is a concept that puzzles me. I know, finically and realistically some of the dreams we have could not come true in our lifetime. But maybe then thats my problem… is that… at least at this point in my life, I h

ave so much faith in my dreams and I want to be able to experience it all even if its a failed attempt… at least I would have known i tried. It doesn’t hurt to be curious as to WHO YOU ARE. At least in my books. And I cannot speak for everyone because I understand that not everyone has a mind like mine, or capabilities like I do, but our parents gave birth to us. That was their goal, to give life to us… but it is each of our owns life’s objective to follow our own journey… which scientifically can never be exactly what others except from us, or what you yourself expect. It all really has to do with the timing of experience and fortune itself.

I am excited for what my journey holds, and nervous as fuck! But I will do everything in my capacity to shape my life aiming towards my ultimate dreams and aspirations, even if its not possible (realistically) and even if I get put down for it. In the end, that is what we are all searching for, ultimate content and fulfillment, and if you find that… then give me some notes to take, cause Im still looking.

We do not get to choose the life we are put into, but we can definitely guide it the way we want it to go if we really try.

So yes, I seem in tact and in control at the moment, but that is because … ok Im super OCD about my work and I feel satisfaction in completing all my assignments (just me), but also because I have a bigger picture in mind, and I know the universe will direct me (when no one else is) to make the right choice and live for myself.

I know this is going on about the same motivational aims in my life but it really helps me to clear out my mindset and organize my though processs. 

Sometimes I need to get away from everyone and just be alone with my thoughts, even those many times that’s dangerous because I overthink for days… 

But point being is that I’m the kind of person that needs a reboots. Needs to refuel once in a while even if that means procrastinating a little, which I have to say supringling I have done a lot less then I thought I would. I mean it says a lot of you are able to procrastinate and still be able to maintain your assignments. I’m ok for now, and I need to just keep telling myself that. 

I need to reboot… not to say I can take advantage of usuing that sentence too much but today I need to rest early and get to work tomorrow. 

Everything around me is so hectic it’s hard to even say I will work tomorrow cause I cannot tell what will happen tomorrow, chances being I will have another task to add to the list, and bigger priorities then my college apps.

I think I can give myself props for mantianimg my composure these last few weeks. With my family and with myself. Telling myself that I’m ok and I just need to organize my to do list. I have found comping mechanisms (that being because I had no choice) but it’s really helped me to be more independent, and that helps me to see how I would act in college. I mean, it takes time and practice so yes I brash off every now and then but for the most part I think at least I have been good.

I could talk forever about this, but if this seemed a little scattered its because thats how I am right now… I accept it. But I needed to get something in the mess of my head right now jotted down somewhere so I have a little relief… in that regard, this post was more to motivate me, but if it helped you too, then please let me know!
Back to reality…

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