And so what if I want to wear a new dress the day I bought it?
Is there a written contract saying I am under constriction of feeling good about myself, my interests…my own likings?
I feel that in todays where there are so many constraints and restraints of what we should and should not do. We are constantly under lock down of our own passions and desires because the rest of the world does not seem to think its a good idea to eat left overs for three days in a row, or roll out of bed at 3 in the afternoon.
It seems almost ironic how I myself speak at this view. I am a teenager after all. We are supposed to be rebellious and out of control. Have a mind of our own and think we own the world….right? We are supposed to be the ones who don’t know shit because we have “not lived long enough” but think we know everything, and don’t give a damn about what people think of us. Cursing the world as we grow older, and running away from stress and dullness. We are the ones that every singer and artist portrays in their newest images, of escaping into the wilderness, of finding love at first sight, of experiencing the world at our finger tips. We are the underdogs, and the renegades, and the rascals, and the mischievous wildings. We don’t care what people say, and we go about our lives with no regrets….right?
Not exactly. See, when you live in a world like mine… you have no time to be a teenager. A family of four, basically fleeing from a politically corrupted land…left with nothing but shard glasses in our knees from crawling through the dirt of the unknown and the confused. We have been lost for so long that we forgot what it means to live freely. I have forgotten…. even being the “rebellious” teenager that I am.
Now I come to a home that smells of must, and the kind I am used to after a heavy rain where the earth leaves its aromas of mildew and soil. No, I come to a home where my parents feel I have embraced the lifestyle of the peers around me and have no more direction or drive to want to be better then I am. Although I think quite the opposite, I am afraid of changing into what they perceive of me. And maybe its ok for change to happen, but in a world like mine that can only mean you have received a job and are now paying the bills and taxations. Im 17…. have they forgotten?
Today I suddenly realized how young my sister is…she is 15. 2 years younger then I am. This seems odd? Of course she isn’t that much younger then I am, and most will believe that she acts the way every 15 year old would act. Getting rowdy and pretentious and behaving like a ….well… teenager. But I often forget how young she is because for her age, she seems almost wiser and more delicate then most of the friends I have made. She is too smart for her own good, and uses the advantage of making me look bad to make herself look better…typical younger sisters. Yet, she has not experienced half as much as I have in my lifetime of being a teen, and has no regrets of that whatsoever. Her personage is strong and independent….and it drains me to think how much she is growing up when all I want is for us to go back in time pretending to be princesses in the garden and care for each of our stuffed animals in our little palace… our sanctum.
Moving has aged us all.
And I see now how much I miss being free…being alive. I miss feeling myself again. So today I say…so what?
So what if I want to sing to songs I dont know the lyrics to
So what if I want to make a film with absolutely no plot.
So what if I wanna go swimming at midnight, and running in the rain. So what if I wanna spend a few extra dollars on food, or clothes, or anything I want.
So what if I wanna be a little frisky, testing the nature of my mind and the reactions of others.
So what if I wanna kiss someone in front of the world, and try to get a job when I have 10001 other priorities I could focus on.
So what if I wanna meet my neighbors when they tell me not to, or simply sit in silence when the rest of the air seems to be shouting.
I am a teenager… but Im also human, and I want to exist again. Im tired of stress, and chores, and to do’s hanging over my head…I want to walk in the storm instead….maybe just maybe laugh a little too.