Some days are good. Some days you feel light…in control. You feel “last night was a mere thought: a foolish over reaction”.
…And some days, you wake up.
It starts at your feet. Ice cold: numb… but your hands are shaking, like a sugar rush to your head, you feel heat imploding your skin. Your back is cramped from hunkering over and you feel crippled. Like an irritating itch you cant seem to find, you itch and itch until your skin is bleeding…but nothing can cure it… nothing can find the answer.
You need to run…run as far away as you can, run so that you can breath. But your mind has beat you to it, so you sit up and let your thoughts race. Your pupils widen and all of a sudden everything around you has become a thought provoking object.
Your nails are bitten to the rim and your mouth is dry…so dry that you can taste the inside, stale and tasteless.
Walking is a leisure. Everything seems to go in slow motion yet your body is moving at 100m/h, acting and reacting. And all of a sudden the voices in your own head fade and the voice of another is heard “are you even listening to me!”… angry and frail.
You are constantly exhausted and out of breath but you keep yourself busy so thoughts do not hoard your ability to move.
…I wish people would understand…understand the unimaginable, unexplainable. My mind is a novel that never ends, because thousands of words and voices and thoughts that buzz through my head make me blind to where I am heading. I cant see my path…I am lost.
I wish people could see this invisible shadow. This dark uncontrollable feeling that creeps behind corners and moments least expected. The cold and sharp and frightening stalker that you can’t get rid of
Joy is the easiest camouflage.
And practicing how to smile and hide the pain three times a day becomes as usual as brushing your teeth…
Because no one can understand until they experience it.
Its no stage fright or pre-exam jitters, its no butterflies or adrenaline rush… Its not being able to breath in a pitch black box hundreds of meters below the earth, where no one can hear your scream. Its constantly having to keep your hands in your pocket so no one sees them shaking… Its a never ending migraine, and the sensation of your fingers rubbing your temples is an instinctive act of urgent relief…but there is never relief.
And I wish there were hidden cameras so my family could see why my eyes are so puffy in the morning. Not from 3am texting and Netflix. No, my mind is a horror film and I rock myself back and forth hoping to bypass the encroaching thumping of my heart in my ears, so close I can almost feel it ripping out of my chest.
Flight attendant: “In the event of an emergency, please assume the brace position. (Lean forward with your hands on top of your head and your elbows against your thighs. Ensure your feet are flat on the floor.)” …thats what my head feels like, a consistent emergency of crashing planes falling fast, where bracing yourself seems like the only way to keep yourself in control.
And you try to talk about it, but words are ineffable…nothing seems true enough to explain what you mean, and they give you suggestions like “Meditation?” which is impossible, because being able to center your mind and think of purely a single object does not exist in a mind with so many thoughts. Its the criminal of the mind because there is never a good enough answer…there is never only one problem.
Its questioning everything, and everyone and anything and anyone… shaking and running, and crying and laughing. Its breathing and suffocating and… and nothing all at once.
I wish they could see that no, I am not in fact irritated with your obnoxious gulping or toe tapping… its just that I hear and see everything. Every movement, flutter, sniffle and click… I hear it.
And no not possessive over you…but I crave someone to want me… I crave someone to ask me how I am and genuinely want to hear it…
I work in silence because I am content with loneliness and cannot take anymore noise then there already is in my head.
I am not crazy… I am just exhausted of having no brakes on this racing horse, galloping across my life like a painted race track.
You try to breath but it comes out as a sigh because there is never enough oxygen in your lungs and you can feel the air get half way and erupt right back out, so your breaths are short and dizzying.
You distract yourself with schedules and agendas but you never have the energy to go through with them, just a stack of “to-do’s” adding to the heaping stress pile. So instead you find laughter in uneducational, unammusing diversions and you dont even know if they are funny but you laugh… you laugh and giggle and chuckle, because you want to get the 200 pound load off your shoulders…. but it some how crashes right back.
You are climbing Everest, and your not even sure why…it just seems right.
You pray and spiritualize your life given up with faith in medical attention or social connection… pleading to find an answer to why…. why you feel like this. But it seems that even God is against you.
So you walk around like a homeless man, desperate for shelter… but you know that no where feels like home when you have the mind of an outcast.
There is no end to this lifeless circle you revolve around… and when you find the strength to finally detour the route… you are in the completely opposite direction… a pool with no bottom, a self sinking ship.
there are days of acceptance. days where you are happy to have thoughts that keep you alive… keep you in reality.
There are days it is not difficult to smile, and people you can let the knot in you throat untangle with.
There are few, but they are there… and you cope with the twirling hurricane in your head… you somehow cope, and live… but no one will understand how strong you are for coming this far. No one will know how much easier it is to fake a smile rather then explain whats wrong. You need to just remember that you are not a burden, and that how you feel is important… you are capable of solace and peace, but your head is just a little busier then it should be. So keep moving, because somewhere on this infinite map, there is a destination.