Him and Me and Us

Its killing me…. legitimately. I get up and have a mere thought of wanting to be with him and it ruins the rest of my day. Im bogged down and have no square inch of energy in me to do anything but distract my mind with beautiful pictures of him…. and me…. and us. Why am I mad? Why is anger taking over the way I feel about him. I know its not his fault that he is busy right now, and I know he planned this trip and activities…and lifestyle way before he had met me. Who am I to want him to my myself? Who am I to tell him that I want him to just come back for me? Im selfish…. and greedy with him, and I look back at our words to each other and think, maybe he wanted me more then. Why does distance and space always make me want a person more. Why cant I feel like that when they actually around me. And then when they are not…. why cant I take the life I have without them and fill it to the rim with things I want to do. I could have finished so many fufillments… and im proud I have been able to get out of some of my funk some days. But then others, its like my mind is fully dedicated to wasting my feelings and energy on thinking about this boy…. him…me ….us.

Maybe I want him because he plays so fricken hard to get. He makes himself look like he has everything in control, and he has the best possible life, but i know behind closed doors he enjoys talking about his achievements with me. Its a skill…. to make a guy feel like a million dollars, and if he just understood how much I liked him, and dreaded the moment that became awkward or unwanted between us then he would see that I actually hate when he thinks so much about himself, and I hate that he doesn’t tell me how much he likes talking about me…us.

Is it a crime that I want him to make me feel as important as I make him. Asking him oblivious questions, receiving answers I already know. Why am i putting in all this effort, when we can have 5 mins to hear each others voices and he till chooses to scroll through his feeds at this time instead of being humbly interested in me. Ok, im not on an exotic trip, and I actually have more time then he does, but that doesn’t make my life unimportant or un-talk-worthy. Why can’t he just ask…..and not just the basic “how was ur day” question.

Is it because im so used to having someone who wanted to be intimate with me… and had more time then I did. Is it because he doesn’t know how to have a commited relationship? He says im important… and he enjoy’s being with me but maybe he only knows how to act in the “fling” type relationship.

Say we do go out. Say we are with each other….. what changes? what privileges do I get? What’s new from what is happening now. It makes me sad because I always wanna tell him so much…. but then again….im only known him for a couple months, and we have only been going out for like 3 weeks which….calculated…. means…he doesn’t really know me….which…sums together to

 

a relationship where we don’t really know what we are getting ourselves into.

ok sure. We have had our deep meaningful convo, once or twice…. but then Time happens, and there are new memories made and those old ones fade away…hence we call ourselves New people

so when school comes back in approximately 1.5 months, he’s gonna be a changed person…with less things in common to talk to me about thus less interest in me.

I am so desperately falling for him and Im ready to open up my life to him….but i refuse to do this over a betty 5 minute phone call where all I wait for is that repetitive “I have to go now”.

He’s not a little bitch so he shouldn’t act like that around me. The way he decides when the right time to say goodbye is, or when to call or…when do say or do anything with me. And im so helpless happy around him that it hurts me so much more when he has to go and he just doesn’t understand that.

I say everything….but there is always more to tell him….and there is no time and no words he could say to me that would make this all ok. Because right now I miss him like hell….but I have no rights, and its tearing me apart.

 

I cannot even be mad at him because when he talks to me a smile automatically appears and i just feel lighter and happier and ….. peaceful, and as soon as that call ends…this thick heavy blanket of depression and sogginess submerges my body and makes me feel so heavy.

Does he even think like this? What does he even think about. What does he say when he says he “talks about me” …. oh “she’s great”. Why is it that people are able to fall in love with him the way I do when I talk about him and when he talks about me its “they liked you just from your pictures”. He’s a guy ok….but that shouldn’t be an excuse right?

Should I tell him, that Im scared for how things are going to turn out when he comes back. He already knows my uncomfortable feels and reasonings…but he knows them in brief and Im scared he will never really understand.

And Im so afraid for that look. That look people have when they can see how messed up you are… how desperate and weird you are and have nothing to say All they can say it “that sucks”. I hate not being able to connect with people in that way….or when they have nothing to say or when….im the one at wrong. And he is to fresh in my life….i dont want to scare him with my vivid thoughts and emotions. And i dont want him to think he has control over me or has be under his tongue either.

I said we would wait….but now that means I have to make this decision up for myself, but I didnt realize I was going to become so attached after he left me. I dont know much about his life….but does that make my life worst… does that make him like me less. He says these things but I cant feel the truth or realness in his voice, and i want him to tell me we will figure this out together. Its as if when he asks me if im ok the he expects me to with me happy go lucky , yippy galore, aye ok! or….. I fricken ripped my toe off and am being rushed to the hospital. There is no sentiment in between….no, how are you feeling… are you doing ok?

I can say Im down…. or I could ask him what he would do if I was depressed and in a bad place and his answer is plain…lethargic…and wrong….”idk”.

That or, im not sure how to help, but hope you feel better. Im bigger then having to make him feel jealous to have to say these things tho. I mean… Tim would have the words im looking for in a moment like this. Not exactly all of them, but just enough to make me feel important….and worthy. Is that too much to ask for the guy you actually like and not the guy he hates…..

I cant even talk to anyone here about it because they are all too much more absorbed in their own “problems” and would never have the right advice to tell me because if its not their problem its not a problem at all.

I cant even being to start explaining to him.

Because the truth is….He is really great, but maybe its just a general guy thing…that they feel the need to have to say things back when a girl says it to them…but I want a guy to tell me they love me when I least expect it, and tell it in their own time, in their own way. I dont want them to wait for me. I want him to understand me on a spiritual level. And yeah, we have talked about our simiarities in social life…but what about internally…. what about higher degree thoughts. That’s who I am and I cant have sci fi movie/cmic book conversations every single time. There has to be something more. And it thrashes me to the ground like a physical abuser when someone says things so naturally like “no, thats lame” “no thats a bad idea” because….its bad, but I do care what people think even when I say I dont and I can have my own opinion as much as I want but as soon as the people are me….especially the ones i like to much start trashing my thoughts and mindset….i have the need to have to make them like me more somehow…make them like me…even thought its not really me their liking…its the one iv altered to benefit their liking. Its a good thing i…as in me…stand up for things that are actually morally and socially liked….except….him?

do I just choose guys that i feel the need to have to be a better version of myself for… or guys that like to take advantage of that. I want to impress them….and want them to like me so much that i cannot dare say anything that would hurt them…or say what im actually negatively thinking. its a weakness and a sin to the person I really am…but Im new and I need to not rely on people because thats what everyone expects of me right?

I never asked anyone for advice with …the other one….and everyone wanted to be us…not that it mattered….but why is this so hard, to make him want him…or to make us work like that…i mean we will when we are together but right now….i dont remember having this much miss in me. only for short times….but i had rights to say things…and this ….this “make your own desision thing” makes me even more confused and angry.

Its crazy….but I want someone to love me so much that they can’t stay away from me. I want them to be obsessed with calling or talking to me….even for a time period. I want them to want me so much that it hurts. Because right now…. I dont even know if he knows what love is.

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