Its a little sticky outside today. Sort of that “in betweener” in the middle of “its about to rain” and “wow its so sunny out”. Confused weather is what I like to call it.
Iv been putting this post off for a while now; that with my busy schedule of waking up late, surfing social media and then daydreaming the rest of the day, I hardly had enough time to write it (ha ha). Its been a blast having some time to just think, but I have a problem with just that, in that I think too much. Leave me for a few minutes, and my mind has already found a gazillion problems wrong with my life.
Time is exactly what I don’t need when there are priories that need to be fulfilled. I have thought about all the academic tasks I still need to do; EE, TOK homework, math IA, music IA, compositions, virtual school?
I can think about the fact that I told myself I was going to do all of these tasks before I lazied around, and yet was still pressured into relaxing. See I tend to not be able to relax fully when I know there are things to be done. Kind of like that feeling when you cant fall asleep because you know there is a tiny job you forgot to do, or something that you can’t get off your mind. See, right now… my life is a little like the weather…. an “in betweener”.
Its a “half hearted” puzzle of “should I relax, or should I force a college essay”. I always seem to find the perfect excuse as to why not to do my work; “oh, but my friends havnt started their ether.” “oh, but I could just apply for a job, and say I was working on that the whole time.” all BS…. because I know in this life, nothing good comes from waiting it off.
Im stressed about a little of overthought problems. Yes, many to do with me, but also the people around me.
Its fathers day, and I did not really expect anything from today. My dad hasn’t been all that jolly lately, so I thought a nice family gathering would be the best cure for him on this day.
Of course, Stress and Anger got in the way of my parents “oh so obvious love” (that was sarcasm btw) and like my dad put it best “ruined the day”. I decided I would sit there as my sister quickly made an escape by saying she would start cleaning up the table. By me being there I ensured there would be no tragic causes.
I have always been the one to speak up from all my siblings in the family. Not just for myself, but for what is right, for the rest of my family, for the sake of having peace. I do take the fall for it though, and my reputation you could say, has been almost shattered in my family because of my stronger will. I take it however. If i believe something is worth fighting for, then I will sacrifice what is necessary.
Today was not a day for fighting. So I waited until the insults were exchanged and tried not to make any exaggerated movements because that always rallied them up more.
My mom was the one to leave, and I sat there in silence, staring at my father. He vented, and mourned over the losses he has faced that my mother would never understand. I mended the wounds for her, telling him of the mutiple compliments my mother awarded him when he did not recognize it. We cried, and giggled a little. We agreed and talked. I have never felt more connected to my dad then I did today. Telling him how I have felt I have failed, by not succeeding his expectations. He told me I “astonished” him in that I have built myself up in such a short amount of time. I teared up and gave him his fathers day cards.
Writing has always been my doorway to expression. I have been able to clearly explain my feelings and emotions to someone when I would otherwise not be able to say out loud. The time it takes for me to write something that I truly mean out is less than that I would have to think of it. Grammatically incorrect, but emotionally real.
My dad is the one person who can make me cry when I see him cry…. I hope he keeps that letter forever, because its the closest I have been to him for a long time.
The end of this day consisted of him kissing my mother on the head and telling her he was sorry.
There are some things I overthink unnecessarily. Like how much work I have to get done. But then there are some aspects like this. If I had wasted my time thinking about how much I have to yet fulfill I would never be able to connect with people the way I did today. So, sometimes its ok to not be with it, because you wouldn’t want to miss something even more valuable.
Happy Fathers Day to all the loving Pops!