It’s all about waiting. Waiting for the day to end, waiting for your grades to come in, waiting for the right guy, waiting for summer, waiting for a flash of brilliance…. waiting for something. It’s a hard skill for me to have but I feel more fufilled when the wait is over. It’s one of those moments when you think it will never end in the moment but then after its passed you think, well that wasn’t so hard after all. I know what my priorities are but all I can think is I deserve some time to bask in the glory of being done. I have worked really hard these past few weeks and I think some time reflect on the stress and pain I went through is vital. I know my performance is saddening but at the same time I need to remember that the smarter people grow from their mistakes. Maybe I had a reasoning behind the answers I put, a clear argument as to why it is a plausible answer… I always do… but standardized tests have no room for plausibility…. it’s wrong or right. Which is why I could never be just a student…. with one goal to get good grades and to have the correct answer because I believe there is so much behind why something is the way it is. I could never believe that the answer I have is the only possible answer…. the world was not made like that…. it took several minds to make understanding. Several minds who started off with an absurd thought that eventually turned into reasoning. But before it was reasoning it was considered weird, out of norm, crazy. But someone today asked me “what’s the difference between crazy and a genius” … I have no “correct” answer to this… because maybe what you think is crazy will one day change the world. I’m trying so hard to fit into this society, to be accepted and thrive in the conditions but maybe what I need to accept is that all minds can’t accelerate in the same conditions. People are excellent in what they do when they fit the conditions best and maybe I’m not excellent but maybe that’s because I’m not in my thriving conditions. After taking three “you have no choice but to pass” exams this week I’m in a zone where I’m just done. I have experienced every sort of mental breakdown possible since I arrived here and I feel like Iv tackled the world. I know I have a lot to learn but that’s just it… schooling standards are not what I will bring into my life later on. Maybe the tactics and methods I used to fulfill my time, but content wise, the world doesn’t work off what piR squared is.
Spending time for myself has been great for my to get to know myself, and the more I realize the more I want to be done. Summer is the next wait, but till then I just need to get through the obstacles.
Breathing is also good.