As I was preparing myself for bed (being the 11:00pm and the earliest I have gotten to sleep all week) I contemplated what exactly this post tonight should be about. See, my thoughts tend to order themselves strategically at the same time as being as abstract as possible. Its really why I have a hard time explaining myself to others…point is, I decided that all I have really posted about are my heavy and deep aspects of life. My depressions and ideas and responsibilities, but really in life its the little things that count. Hence in my title I have capitalized the word “little” giving it importance…because truth is without these “little things” we wouldn’t be able to do the”big things” right?
Today, I just completed my first SAT. The whole of last night was looking through “tips and tricks to increase your SAT score” because that’s all my life is, pressure and stress and stress and stress. Always finding ways to get the easiest way and best results and always trying to improve…there is no…closure or end to it!
So I thought, I have spent the entire night trying to cram 17 hours of work into one night, why not take a break. It seems that most days seem like that, I get home with all this ambition to finish my work before 5:00pm and end up being too tired or too hungry to even start before then…Im below average…and I have nothing to prove or no one to prove to.
Point is, if I try to control all the parts of my life that I cant control…like exhaustion then Im never really gonna put a smile on my or anyone else face genuinely…and I want to feel in control of my life so I can be happy.
So iv formulated a list of “small things” that make my routinely pain …a little more bearable.
- Morning showers – this is a new thing that I have started doing (not because I never take showers…I do…I promise) its just I used to take showers in the evening so i didn’t have t get up early to shower. But Iv found that I feel a lot more refreshed and awake after taking my shower. Yes, on stressful days (like everyday) its scientifically proven that showers or even the thought of a hot shower can help relax and destress you, but I guess having a good start to the morning beats a crappy evening.
- Weekend runs – Another “thing” I am trying to do more routinely. I remember how sportive and athletic I used to be and I miss feeling fit and strong. I have found that I really do have a stress eating problem (found all in my thigh) and its bad because I get very lethargic (another word I love!) and heavy and lazy and I used to be able to feel light and energetic. Perhaps runs help me to focus my mind and breath in the fresh air as well as feel I have a little control of at least my fitness… even though its not even close to enough, I really do need to find a routinely sport to get back into and most preferably not inside school team.
- Night routines- This is one of my favorite parts of the evening, not just because its my routine before I go to bed and that means sleep! But because its a refreshing way to end the day rather then just leaving everything unfinished and incomplete, its a good way to sign off. It starts with me usually packing up all my belongings needed for the next day, homework, pencils, books and binders…all ready for the following day. I then change into some comfortable clothes, I brush my teeth and cleanse up, tie my hair up and then I stretch. Each night before I sleep I try to flex and stretch my back and pelvis as much as possible because I know I have been sitting slouched the whole day and again research shows how most of your stress goes to your hips which is why they can often get sore. Stretch! I actually enjoy hearing my back crack a bit because it means it is loosening up and it makes you feel more free. Then I thank God, close the night and curl up in the soft cold sheets…. that is my idea of satisfaction for the days I am living.
- Lunch friends- I know i have said this is a reoccurring “problem” in my life, that I dont have friends to call my own right now. But for some reason I have started to see how this is not such a bad thing. I have the flexibility to choose who I want to hang out with, of course that means I need to have the confidence to start a conversation with these people but Im starting to get the hang of it. This afternoon I went to lunch with a girl I only see once a day but we have spontaneously gotten closer because I decided to sit with her at lunches sometimes. I was invited ….alone….without someone inviting me to someone else invite, and without regard to the girl I essentially am a dog to, following her even though she pays no attention to me and makes me feel useless…screw it, I will not be belittled or hammered down, I am my own person and I can find my own way around.This has been one great thing I have done over the past few weeks, just sitting with different people, and its actually really beneficial to me in the end, which i have never considered because to me, having friends means giving your time to another person, but I never saw it from a personal level (here is the evidence that my mindset is changing from the environment Im in)
- Scheduling- Its actually very satisfying for me to know what my organized, strategical plan is. I like to know when, why,where,how and who for all events and aspects in my day and it helps me to focus. I write EVERYTHING down and it makes me feel a little more in control of my assignments. If i think of it this way that, if I didn’t go to school here that I wouldn’t have anything to put in my schedule and then I would feel even more lost.
- Journaling and photography-my two hobbies and passions, and let me tell you how excited I am to do something with them. I just found a Nat Geo internship/summer expedition for teens of my age and I am so excited because I love Nat geo photography and articles. They have really interested me in the past and this would be a great reference in my resume as well (always thunking ahead) only its one of those trips that has about 4 zeros trailing behind it…yup its about $7000 dollars to go but thats because its international (<3) meaning you can travel to almost any country in the world and have a summer experience there. There are tons of opportunities like this, I just have to find the right time and place to go and perhaps….I can make something out of it….these are the aspects that allow me to believe in my dreams when everything else fails. Yeah they may not be STEM focused areas which essentially are supposed to be the most money making areas of the working world…but what if i make something better then money out of these interests. What if I make a living, a career…. a life long time of happiness? I would choose the satisfaction of happiness any day over money….because isn’t that what money ultimately do? Satisfy your desires and needs and get rid of risk and fear. Well if i “plan strategically” I can get rid of all my stress and fear and anxiety with just these desires.
I have realized I have another added 6 “small things” but in whole (as you can see) they really are not “small things” they are significant parts of my life that portray who I am and are essential for my well being and sanity. I am never going to be completely satisfied with myself because I do believe there is always room for improvement, thats just how my mind works. But I can also say that routine doesn’t always have to be bad. its not a pain if you enjoy doing it right? My life here in my mew home is still too new to have a longer list of genuine satisfactory habits and “small things”, but Im glad at least up till this point, I have found a few that make me a tiny…little…itty bit