Death Of Me

 

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The longing for closeness and connection once more.

I had mentioned before that this blog is purely for my own mind. To bring some sort of understanding to the buzz of my life at the moment. I never really mentioned how personal I was going to make it.

I know that judgement is an inevitable habit the human mind does. I know that after I vent and express my thoughts people will think otherwise of me, belittle me, downgrade me because of the way my mind works. its a biased world, I have accepted that but I have also accepted the fact that I will not let peoples judgment define who I am. Who I am is determined by me…my experiences… my thoughts.

So ladies and gentlemen… Todays thought of who I am.

… Failure.

Its a harsh world, and yes…. this is a harsh word. Its not right for anyone to think of themselves like this and one could say what a hypocrite I really am for thinking like this due to the multiple of times I have told my friends how worth it, or amazing they really are.  I have yet to find someone that can prove me wrong about this word I feel for myself.

As you may know, I moved from Zimbabwe about 2 and a half months ago to Florida. I am attending a school with over 4000 students changing my entire perspective of school life(coming from a prep school of only 400 students). A lot of things have changed in my life, but school, at least for this stage in my life, is the most prioritized area I focus on.

Its depressing really.

I was ranked top 3d in my class, almost consistently over my high school experience and my standards would fluctuate but hardly as much as they are now. I had high standards for myself, as did my family, peers and teachers. My classes were specifically chosen to fit my preferences, and I remember waking up with aspiration in my face… today the only thing on my face is concealer to cover up the dark circles under my eyes.

I am an intimate person. I enjoy one-on-one interaction with people, especially people who will help me in the future. I understand the world better by getting to know people, their stories, their connections to me. Again, I have yet to find someone here who I can connect with. Im below “average” not just academically but socially as well constantly finding major discrepancies in the way I would think about a particular situation. That, obviously, is because of my upcoming, but at the same time, the media I watched was the same of that that people here watched… our perspective of that should have been somewhat the same…wrong. I have already cried my eyes out once at the rude comments and jokes the students on my bus made of a recent high school abortion that had occurred. Their laughs and ill minded comments still echo in my head, and it makes me so angry to think people would make such disrespectful remarks of such a personal matter.

Point is, I don’t really fit in … anywhere specifically.

Here’s something that has not changed however. My unsuccessfulness. I mentioned how i have been ranked 3d in my class constantly, here Im not even sure if I have a ranking. But that does not surprise me. It took me years to get to that point that I was in Zimbabwe. I worked hours on end, fulfilled all my assignments, went to extra tutoring. I was the “ideal student” per say. Exams and tests were another story. No matter how hard I studied and no matter how much I understood a topic, my tests results would always tell me otherwise. Its a skill that I have never really been able to succeed at. But after my 14th to 15th teacher remark to say I needed a parents signature for the failing mark, or my parents remarks on how I have no choice to pass and yet still be a disappointment to them, I came to the conclusion with myself that I have and always will be a failure. It is the only thing that makes complete sense. Why I fail, why I disappoint. Some people are supposed to be leaders and some are followers. I on the other hand have come to agreement with myself that I dont fit either categories.

What a thought to think.

School will be the death of me. I need consolidation and I have not been able to find that in Zimbabwe let alone here. I go about my day researching for hours what college entrance applications and requirements are, and what the average SAT score will be. I can work and study as hard as I can but I envy those who put little effort into these areas and are still successful in everything they do. This is the mind I have, and yes, motivational comments of people saying “You can do this” “You will be fine” are very much appreciated I long for someone to connect with. Someone to tell me they are as far behind as I am, and as lost as I am. I crave that intimacy and connection to someone… but it is the human instinct to portray the best side of yourself always. You want to impress and nothing about “Im a failure” attracts people to talk to you.

Sometimes I wonder if its all worth it… if the hours and effort I spend depriving myself from entertainments… happiness, will be sent back to me in the future. I have to pass high school to go to college, and in this life, I have pass college if I want to be “happy”. But maybe I will find happiness by accepting I have failed. That is my biggest issue. Acceptance. Acceptance to a new home, and environment. Acceptance that my friends here will never be as close as those in Zimbabwe. Acceptance that my standards have dropped and perhaps will never be up there again.

I need someone to PROVE to me, I will be ok in this life. Because right now, the only thing I know for sure … is Failure.

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